if i am...so honest i didnt really think id live this long! as grim as that sounds. but im very glad ive stuck around so long because ive met some very awesome people in this 21 yrs ive been alive! both friends and just mutuals online. i feel so very lucky to be surrounded by so many talented people that keep me inspired to keep drawing and persuing my creative endevors. and that i know ill always have people to share them with! so if youre reading this and support / like what i do, even if we are not personal friends... thank you!!! :D it literally means the world.

also ive had a very staggering amount of people wish me a happy birthday? that sounds self absorbed but like hear me out...it's just nice to know so many people thought of me today :]! and of course, happy birthday to my birthgday twin, my friend brisk! the first other june birthday ive met and we're on the same day just 1 year apart ajajsdakk

KINDA SHORT BLOG POST TODAY BUT ive got some stuff to do today as well as during the weekend...i got leave at like uhhh 5pm for my party tonight. i had to go and buy stuff for a houseparty yesterday and i had to buy a huge fuck-off bottle of pedialyte asjdjsjajs. some girl at a party i went to recently my aunt and uncle hosted told me its important to know pedialyte helps hangovers (something something electrolytes) and told me gl on getting white girl wasted LOL. i'm going to some sick ass bar tonight, im excited. apparently the drinks kick like a fkin horse tho!

i guess im still getting used to posting whatever I want because after all...my social media pages are my house and nobody can come in and tell me how to arrange my furniture. its still sort of nervewracking though, showing the public at large the deepest evilist corners of psyche manifested as 4 little freaks. i suppose you have to do something with them to get people to care about them but uh...well...im not sure what id like to even do. which is the worst part i guess. i guess i got a headstart on the comics because that is something i actually know how to do kinda-sorta but its like...i dunno. the stories i write are very, very grim.

once again, another thing that always holds me back is if this all blows up, gets popular even when i was trying to just do it for myself i think you bitches would see me on the fucking news if it devolved into whatever happened to that 'mouthwashing' games fandom. like can you guys be serious for 1 secondduuhhh. ethel cain spoke real shit when she said everyone is utterly fucking irony-poisoned. i also just. dont like fandom people i realized...HELP LMFAO...much love to anyone who is that is reading im sure you know exactly what kind of person im talking about when i say that tho.

just the online climate currently of unrelenting harassment over genuinely nothing scares the piss out of me sometimes. what do you mean i get allegations of being a creep slung at me bc shrike (a monster guy) is taller than his wife annette (human)? we have lost the plot you guys care way to much about some things actually.i dont know how my girl is still on twitter bruhhhh. maybe im just chronically offline atp.

oh god its an artist bitching about being an artist!! everyone get down!!

i feel so shitty whining about my hobbies but my god am i frustrated. social media is completely fucked - everyone LIED to me about bluesky! "oh but...vi! bluesky is oc friendly!" yeah fucking right bitch. only oc friendly to some. not that im trying to sound jealous, im not! infact im soooo happy to see oc content of some uplifted because thats what i want to see. it just kind of sucks that people turn their head and scoff if your story and characters deal with dark subject matter or are dark and brooding but not like...jeff the killer teir. tumblr is just a lost cause. why are you discourse blogs following me? i draw people getting gutted. girl idk, ive sort of reverted into a shell of sorts of not interacting with other artists because im piss-terrified i will turned away for like...drawing fucked up shit.

ive been chased away from certain spaces before because of my tastes for grim shit and that has struck the fear of god into me i think. its a delicate subject i think. i cant be around people who demonize dark topics in fiction lest i have to declaw ALL of my work...and i cant hang around people who stroke their shit to it because like obviously i write from experience. ofc im gonna be upset if people use my generational trauma as j/o fodder.

as much as id love to make a cain complex comic or game theres always a subconcious fear in the back of my head that it will get popular and attract the wrong people. people who do not take my work seriously, or people who violently misconstrew my deeply personal characters. isnt it so cool that you cant be vulnerable and set boundries on modern social media anymore?

generally i feel i fucked up majorly when i started to post my fanart. i didnt think people would like it, honest to god. then i started wracking up a good amount of followers (to me at least) and i realized fuck me ill never be able to post oc content again without these people throwing rocks at me. it really pisses me off that once you post fanart, and people find you through it, youve stuck in that box forever or else people eill get angry at you for trying something new. i hate being neurodivegent.

ANYWAY, WHAT I CAME HERE TO TALK ABOUT! uughhhh site stuff. i love coding soooo much but i am dreading having to redo my ENTIRE home/index page...I know i am fully capable but I just need to be careful to preserve the vibe it had before whilst expanding on it...I learned a shocking about while constructing my Johnny shrine last night, so much so that my friend Kayli was like "how the fuck are you doing this..." I DONT KNOW!!! OCD HYPERFIXATION? I DUNNO!...But it made me realize how genuinely horrible my spaghetti code on my index page is FUCK its pissing me off I MUST FIX IT POST HASTE!!!

also also, i was on the hunt for a camcorder after seeing some beautiful footage of a white tailed deer filmed via camcorder on tumblr, so i went to the store to look at cameras (the best buy around my house fucking shut down and im pissed about it, actually) and didnt find jack shit except how stupid expensive polaroids are. which makes me so goddamn butthurt because oh my GOD are polaroid cameras such fantastic looking peices of tech. curse overconsumption and captialization of hobbies like actually.

but thats like besides the point. my dad decided to graciously let me inheret the camcorder hes had since 2005! im excited. i just have to purchase some tapes for it. i was also looking into buying a cheap sony digital camera. i know you are probably (not) asking "vi...why do you want this so badly...? well you see. my dearest reader. low quality dogshit photos are my favorite thing ever, theyre also what i consider the antithisis for my creative project cain complex!. all of that footage and photography i take will be going to its development somehow. i was thinking of photographing the industrial district downtown because if theres anything my city has no shortage of, its abandoned warehouses.

speaking of, well sorta? kinda? i have not been happy with my art whatsoever. i am like very caught up in thinking most of what i have been drawing lately is complete unsalvageable garbage! its probably linked to how tired i am all the time and coming out of a depressive episode? i dunno. *tonight* ill take my pills and see how it goes.

but that sort of has had me thinking? i know a lot of people on social media and discord alike who are leauges ahead of me in artistic skill but seem to like - if not say they *admire* my work. and it makes me think like...why? i guess you are always your worst critic. its all about the core ideas and genuineness in a peice rather than the skill in the execution i suppose. i can admit im not that good, my anatomy kinda fucking sucks and a lot of what i make is cluttered and messy but i like to think i have cool ideas.

hey, look at this! ive finally set up the blog in a insomnia-filled stupor. i was supposed to take my sleeping pills tonight but it sort of slipped away from me. my dr. barely prescribed any to me so i have to use them sparingly anyhow.

but hey, ya girl has had an eventful week. i went to a concert with my mom and sister a few days ago. staind and breaking benjamin were the headliners and i kinda dont remember the openers and the venue is a shithole down by the ohio river. my sister snuck in shots of spiced rum in little vials in her boots and we made rum and cokes while waiting for the openers to finish. i got super shitfaced (i have a shockingly high alcohol tolerence for only being like 80 pounds) and while we were heading out i started hollering about slenderman getting me in the parking lot. also saw a skunk on the way home.

also started seeing this girl. shes pretty cool and apparently pretty popular on cookie run twitter. kind of funny to watch her followers try and scramble to figure out who this mystery woman she talks to fondly about is when i dont even have a (public) twitter account. i assume theyd be real dissapointed ot learn im not a cookie guy and draw blood and guts lol.

apparently telling a girl youre gonna fix her car also consitutes as a form of flirting. also modelo is fucking delicious.