ok god i havent updated this in awhile huh. i have been...SO BUSY!! this month espeically.

i've had like a bunch of shit back to back, i went out of town to dayton a few times to attend a bunch of different goth events (very fun! but dayton is...so empty?????? i barely see anyone there unless its like the one main street. okayyyy sims 4.)
and then i went to chicago to see nine inch nails!! it was fucking insane. its crazy that trent reznor still has got it. also i saw that really fucking killer remix of closer with boyz noize people have been posting on tiktok and shit. i hope to god it gets posted with clean audio somewhere cuz its been my fav remix of closer ive heard THUS FAR. i stayed with a family friend and we went to the concert with some more family friends. a bunch of older punks / metalheads haha. i also found out a bunch of places they do raves so i got some stuff to do when i go back up there...chicago is such a nice city but i was getting made fun of for how much i was saying THERES SO MANY BUILDINGS. 'ohio girl from a city thats maybe 1 mile wide goes to real big city' type thing. i cant say i hate it tho, id love to live in chicago or new york!!! my bucket list for next year is to visit my friends in new york so we can go to one of those underground edm raves for sure :]

i also helped my mom move back in, so my whole family lives together again. i finally have my cat! im so happy to see him. though sadly my abuser still has my pet snake and like...half my possesions? a bunch of my clothes and jewelry and my fav chokers and shit. my bone collection, like...thats gonna be a really huge pain to get back because i dont wanna see him....like at all. bc i know hes gonna say some bullshit. so stupid.

anyway, tommorow i leave again for another trip! this time i see ethel cain!!! i have been avoiding stuff about the concert online (as i usually do) because i like to never see the setlist. i love to be surpised. ive been saving up money for a good bit so if i see any good vinyls / cds / cassettes for my collection i can get them...and then like a week after i get back im going to an early halloween party thing at a club a family friend is doing sets at!! i wonder if i can get him to play me a few songs HAHA

and then if certain things fall into place, my dad will be moving out, cross country, to LA. which i'll be sad to have him gone but also i can just go out and visit him whenever i want. plus i want him to have fun. which ive never been to california, so im pretty curious? i want to see the mojave...but if he doesnt move out, i have to help my uncle and my grandma move stuff out to florida for her apartment! and if THAT doesnt happen then i'm going to another state to attend a goth night ran by some people i know. so much happening...but i like it. i dont think i could ever go back to the life i lived a year or two ago where i do ...nothing. i was to scared to leave the house. im so glad thats changed, going out and getting to know people has been one of the best things for my mental and physical health.

i was pretty depressed for a good while hence why no significant progress to...anything. has been made. but thankfully things are looking up! i finally have acess to mental health care now!! can you belive it?! i got my own therapist WHO I LIKE and im set to go see a doctor that will get me set up with medication. i just hope it all goes well! and im NOT put on zoloft again. coming off of zoloft feels like coming off of heroin bruh.

and we're nearing the end of artfight! it has been a very amazing year so far - i just dont know if ill keep the artfight collection up on my site? unless i find a way on condense it all. but like all-in-all all the attacks i put out i feel were pretty good! i think my fav thing is seeing ppl tweak out (in a good way) over my art for them hehe. i feel my attatchment to my ocs this year and motivation to keep going to get more art of them kept me going to the final stretch as well as encouragement from my discord server. i did around 21-ish attacks this year? which is more than ive EVER done!

people were asking me how i managed to draw so much but i think the answer is that i love drawing lol its my favorite thing to do. i get burnt out occasionally (like right now) but it'll always be my fav thing to do. i always eagerly await crawling out of art block so i can make a bighuge intricte peice. im glad im finally not bothered by if it does well on social media or not. i just draw for me and my friends who react to it with 15 exploding emojis.

i also got my rib tattoo done one monday :] i think it came out gorgeous, though i think large tattoos surrounded by empty skin can look a bit awkward so i hope to get the rest of my arms and ribs filled up gradually. my body is an art project to me at this point. i hope once i get tattoos on certain parts of my body it can curve my urge to partake in self injury behavior :"]. anyway, you may be asking..."the ribs? vi are you crazy, that mustve hurt!" well the answer is yes to both of those is a yes. it did hurt very badly, though it wasnt rlly enough to make my flinch much if at all which my artist was impressed by, saying i "have the soul of a 40 year old man" LMFAO. this sounds like kinda a weird flex to make but my pain tolerance really really fucking high due to horrible medical trauma. yknow some say kidney issues like stones and infection (both at the same time even) hurt worse than child birth, getting shot and breaking your femur? id say yeah probably.

ANYWAY thank you to any one who wished me a swift recovery wether it be via a comment or just merely in your head, i am ok now! though taking antibiotics and laying in bed for nearly 2 weeks really has left me out of wack. i kinda barely know what day it is.

but i do know its artfight tommorow! im so excited hehe. over the past few months ive made a lot of very nice mutuals and its great to finally have an excuse to show my appreciation. this will be the fiiiirst artfight in awhile where im going in with ocs that i am very, very attatched to so i not doubt will probably have a big motivator this year unlike the past few where ive been stuck in my rancid fandom-prison shackles...

ive also been toiling away at the site a little bit, but ive sort of hit some roadblocks as finding a soloution to my issue on stackoverflow has been difficult. i make things so much harder for myself in the way that i hate using javascript. but i will have to suck it up and learn eventually! im very greatful for a friend of mine who is going to help when she has the time. bless u mozz i appreciate you.

ive sort of been taking it slow, not much happening...in a few weeks i am going to attend a con, thank god. this is the ONLY ONE that doesnt conflict with my schedule. i want to buy as many stickers as i can...the only downside is that the cast from that One Indie Show will be there. now like, i dont really want to get into my thoughts about that show because I Dont Care if you like it im happy for you! But a lot of the fans' conduct / manners are ROTTEN and im kinda not excited for that. please behave during conventions i beg you.

i know ur probably asking urself..."vi, you say you hate social media, why the fuck did you attempt to be on tiktok?" for one my girl is on there and i like making comments like a maladjusted amino user on her posts and second i am so boreddddd. whenever im bored i attempt to get in touch with a side of the internet i am curious about but if i get no results i sort of toss it to the wayside. is that not normal thinking? probably some stupid form of thrill seeking bci love a good thrill. its better than getting into hard drugs thats for sure!

but anyway i got shadowbanned bc i used the proper spelling of 'johnny the homicidal maniac' im suuuuuch a noob omfg i forgot it has to be JOHNNY THE UNALIVING MANIAC. silly me! this always makes me remember how hostile modern social media is to horror and horror-adajcent art like i apply to 'disturbing content' label on my shit on bluesky and suddenly nobody can see it. like if i dont tag it a bunch of people are gonna be like 'you didnt PROPERLY tag it i have to be mean and nasty to you post haste' damned if you do damned if you dont. not that i really care about reach that much but if i made an awesome fucking drawing i think everyone else should see my awesome fucking drawing, you feel me?

it has gotten be to really think hard about making actual youtube videos now tho. like i miss whewn speedpaints were a thing bro, speedpaints are to me what cocomelon is to poorly parented children. maybe im just frustrated because i need a new creative project to chew on, being sick has really made me antsy. if im not constantly working on something - multiple things even...i get so bored i consider using the worst social media platforms known to man to keep myself busy. i hope to god that when artfight rolls around in a few days my itch can be properly stratched.

i typically keep my tyrades and comments isolated to this blog but theyve been breaching containment onto my bluesky/tumblr...i feel sort of bad subjecting my followers to my mind-vomit. im almost done with my antibiotics, hopefully when im finished w the stuff for my viral infection i can finally get out so i dont have the urge to speak so much on my social media pages lol.

hey wow!!! im alive!! i had to go to the emergency room a day or two ago due to side pain and i thought i was passing straight rocks AGAIN, (yes, again. ive done it before.)

the good news is that i did NOT have covid, nor the new varient or the flu...however the bad news is that i had 2 infections spreading in different parts of my body simotainously! isnt that fun?? LOLLLLL
i dont really mind the ER, in fact i kinda love it like i love any hospital enviorments...ive grown very very attached to them since ive been in and out of hospitals / doctors offices since i was tiny. they did have to put an IV line in the top of my hand though, those REALLY dont feel good espeically when you are very small-statured and thin like me.
it gave me a really gross huge yellow-purple bruise on my hand though, so thats cool. i like watching bruises progress/heal - i know that sounds really strange but i just think they look very pretty.

though honestly im glad its not the stomach flu - i think that was probably the most painful viral illnesses ive ever had solely because vomiting once every hour for like 3 days straight was sooooo bad. espeically because im the type who pukes hard and my ribs were strained, sore and bruised almost!! hurt ribs are no joke bc even laying down to rest was impossible.

as of now, im just miserably stuffy with terrible post-nasal drip. im stuck in a constant ouroboros of sneezing and coughing...cough started off dry not its all gross. ugh. my body hurts like a bitch and my fucking hip burstitis is acting up so my hips are completely FUBAR'd...i havent been able to bathe because im afriad i will slip and fall! all around i feel so gross.

the whole hypermobility thing ive got - some sort of mystery connective tissue disorder they cant seem to figure out exactly where i am on the hypermobility spectrum..just settling for a basic HSD diagnosis for now - really really sucks when youre sick. all of the progress ive been working on this summer of being active and getting my muscles and joints stable is going to be thrown out the window because i have to stay put while sick. UGHHH its fine. when im better ill go up into the mountains and take some photos and stretch my poor atrophied muscles. its fine.

it was pretty fun, i wont bore anyone with the details but i spent like an entire night crawling the downtown area of my city. went to a good handful of clubs and bars and they kept giving me free birthday drinks!!? one place i went to gave me free birthday shots...pretty cool. also i totally accidently stumbled into a drag show, to which i felt so bad because i had ONE DOLLAR in cash on me...n i went to this record store and they just had a sphinx cat walking around? hello? she was so cute, i gotta ask her name when i go back in.

HOWEVER...GUESS WHO GOT TICKETS TO SEE NOT ONLY NINE INCH NAILS BUT ETHEL CAIN LIVE?? LIKE...BACK TO BACK??? IM SOOOOOOOOO EXCITED YALL ARE NOT GONNA HEAR THE END OF IT FROM ME LMAO. the sad thing is that i have to go to PITTSBURG for one but...the sacrifices we must make. i also got my own personal record player for my room! now i dont have to go into my basement and ave crickets jump on me as i try and listen to music!!

and of course...my biggest gift of all...i got sick LMFAO. i woke up yesterday and i was like nah man i caught something. idk what exactly i have but idk if it persists i fucking guess ill go to the doctors about it smh.

if i am...so honest i didnt really think id live this long! as grim as that sounds. but im very glad ive stuck around so long because ive met some very awesome people in this 21 yrs ive been alive! both friends and just mutuals online. i feel so very lucky to be surrounded by so many talented people that keep me inspired to keep drawing and persuing my creative endevors. and that i know ill always have people to share them with! so if youre reading this and support / like what i do, even if we are not personal friends... thank you!!! :D it literally means the world.

also ive had a very staggering amount of people wish me a happy birthday? that sounds self absorbed but like hear me out...it's just nice to know so many people thought of me today :]! and of course, happy birthday to my birthgday twin, my friend brisk! the first other june birthday ive met and we're on the same day just 1 year apart ajajsdakk

KINDA SHORT BLOG POST TODAY BUT ive got some stuff to do today as well as during the weekend...i got leave at like uhhh 5pm for my party tonight. i had to go and buy stuff for a houseparty yesterday and i had to buy a huge fuck-off bottle of pedialyte asjdjsjajs. some girl at a party i went to recently my aunt and uncle hosted told me its important to know pedialyte helps hangovers (something something electrolytes) and told me gl on getting white girl wasted LOL. i'm going to some sick ass bar tonight, im excited. apparently the drinks kick like a fkin horse tho!

i guess im still getting used to posting whatever I want because after all...my social media pages are my house and nobody can come in and tell me how to arrange my furniture. its still sort of nervewracking though, showing the public at large the deepest evilist corners of psyche manifested as 4 little freaks. i suppose you have to do something with them to get people to care about them but uh...well...im not sure what id like to even do. which is the worst part i guess. i guess i got a headstart on the comics because that is something i actually know how to do kinda-sorta but its like...i dunno. the stories i write are very, very grim.

once again, another thing that always holds me back is if this all blows up, gets popular even when i was trying to just do it for myself i think you bitches would see me on the fucking news if it devolved into whatever happened to that 'mouthwashing' games fandom. like can you guys be serious for 1 secondduuhhh. ethel cain spoke real shit when she said everyone is utterly fucking irony-poisoned. i also just. dont like fandom people i realized...HELP LMFAO...much love to anyone who is that is reading im sure you know exactly what kind of person im talking about when i say that tho.

just the online climate currently of unrelenting harassment over genuinely nothing scares the piss out of me sometimes. what do you mean i get allegations of being a creep slung at me bc shrike (a monster guy) is taller than his wife annette (human)? we have lost the plot you guys care way to much about some things actually.i dont know how my girl is still on twitter bruhhhh. maybe im just chronically offline atp.

oh god its an artist bitching about being an artist!! everyone get down!!

i feel so shitty whining about my hobbies but my god am i frustrated. social media is completely fucked - everyone LIED to me about bluesky! "oh but...vi! bluesky is oc friendly!" yeah fucking right bitch. only oc friendly to some. not that im trying to sound jealous, im not! infact im soooo happy to see oc content of some uplifted because thats what i want to see. it just kind of sucks that people turn their head and scoff if your story and characters deal with dark subject matter or are dark and brooding but not like...jeff the killer teir. tumblr is just a lost cause. why are you discourse blogs following me? i draw people getting gutted. girl idk, ive sort of reverted into a shell of sorts of not interacting with other artists because im piss-terrified i will turned away for like...drawing fucked up shit.

ive been chased away from certain spaces before because of my tastes for grim shit and that has struck the fear of god into me i think. its a delicate subject i think. i cant be around people who demonize dark topics in fiction lest i have to declaw ALL of my work...and i cant hang around people who stroke their shit to it because like obviously i write from experience. ofc im gonna be upset if people use my generational trauma as j/o fodder.

as much as id love to make a cain complex comic or game theres always a subconcious fear in the back of my head that it will get popular and attract the wrong people. people who do not take my work seriously, or people who violently misconstrew my deeply personal characters. isnt it so cool that you cant be vulnerable and set boundries on modern social media anymore?

generally i feel i fucked up majorly when i started to post my fanart. i didnt think people would like it, honest to god. then i started wracking up a good amount of followers (to me at least) and i realized fuck me ill never be able to post oc content again without these people throwing rocks at me. it really pisses me off that once you post fanart, and people find you through it, youve stuck in that box forever or else people eill get angry at you for trying something new. i hate being neurodivegent.

ANYWAY, WHAT I CAME HERE TO TALK ABOUT! uughhhh site stuff. i love coding soooo much but i am dreading having to redo my ENTIRE home/index page...I know i am fully capable but I just need to be careful to preserve the vibe it had before whilst expanding on it...I learned a shocking about while constructing my Johnny shrine last night, so much so that my friend Kayli was like "how the fuck are you doing this..." I DONT KNOW!!! OCD HYPERFIXATION? I DUNNO!...But it made me realize how genuinely horrible my spaghetti code on my index page is FUCK its pissing me off I MUST FIX IT POST HASTE!!!

also also, i was on the hunt for a camcorder after seeing some beautiful footage of a white tailed deer filmed via camcorder on tumblr, so i went to the store to look at cameras (the best buy around my house fucking shut down and im pissed about it, actually) and didnt find jack shit except how stupid expensive polaroids are. which makes me so goddamn butthurt because oh my GOD are polaroid cameras such fantastic looking peices of tech. curse overconsumption and captialization of hobbies like actually.

but thats like besides the point. my dad decided to graciously let me inheret the camcorder hes had since 2005! im excited. i just have to purchase some tapes for it. i was also looking into buying a cheap sony digital camera. i know you are probably (not) asking "vi...why do you want this so badly...? well you see. my dearest reader. low quality dogshit photos are my favorite thing ever, theyre also what i consider the antithisis for my creative project cain complex!. all of that footage and photography i take will be going to its development somehow. i was thinking of photographing the industrial district downtown because if theres anything my city has no shortage of, its abandoned warehouses.

speaking of, well sorta? kinda? i have not been happy with my art whatsoever. i am like very caught up in thinking most of what i have been drawing lately is complete unsalvageable garbage! its probably linked to how tired i am all the time and coming out of a depressive episode? i dunno. *tonight* ill take my pills and see how it goes.

but that sort of has had me thinking? i know a lot of people on social media and discord alike who are leauges ahead of me in artistic skill but seem to like - if not say they *admire* my work. and it makes me think like...why? i guess you are always your worst critic. its all about the core ideas and genuineness in a peice rather than the skill in the execution i suppose. i can admit im not that good, my anatomy kinda fucking sucks and a lot of what i make is cluttered and messy but i like to think i have cool ideas.

hey, look at this! ive finally set up the blog in a insomnia-filled stupor. i was supposed to take my sleeping pills tonight but it sort of slipped away from me. my dr. barely prescribed any to me so i have to use them sparingly anyhow.

but hey, ya girl has had an eventful week. i went to a concert with my mom and sister a few days ago. staind and breaking benjamin were the headliners and i kinda dont remember the openers and the venue is a shithole down by the ohio river. my sister snuck in shots of spiced rum in little vials in her boots and we made rum and cokes while waiting for the openers to finish. i got super shitfaced (i have a shockingly high alcohol tolerence for only being like 80 pounds) and while we were heading out i started hollering about slenderman getting me in the parking lot. also saw a skunk on the way home.

also started seeing this girl. shes pretty cool and apparently pretty popular on cookie run twitter. kind of funny to watch her followers try and scramble to figure out who this mystery woman she talks to fondly about is when i dont even have a (public) twitter account. i assume theyd be real dissapointed ot learn im not a cookie guy and draw blood and guts lol.

apparently telling a girl youre gonna fix her car also consitutes as a form of flirting. also modelo is fucking delicious.