i am so damn dramatic.

hiiiii! i was looking back at my other workroom andf blog posts from a month / a week ago...holy shit guys i am so fucking dramatic and emo. bitches (me) have one bad week and go into a horrible depressive spiral and act like theyre gonna die. IM FINE. OH MY GOD! I ENDED UP BEING FINE. all i was was dehydrated and about to get my period. holy shit. having a personality disorder can really make you act funny at times. and i want to state for the record that when i say 'i have a personality disorder' i am not taking out my misery on others lol i feel many assume that for some reason. something something all people with bpd are inherently manipulative im sure a lot of you have heard the talking points. yeah im manupilating my friends (sending out gaming ping in discord server) to hop on monster hunter.

i'm fine, its all fine. im not going to die nor am i doomed to misery forever. just eat dinner and drinnk some water and go outside and do some errands. geez. anyway ive been playing outlast trials with my partner lately, bc it was like omg u have to get it its so fire...bc i saw jhonen vasquez play it on twitch and i said 'this looks fun' and apparently that was a sleeper agent in my partners head to be like GET IT NOW! and i did. its very fun, it was right. i think what i needed to really fucking calm the hell down was time in da real world, i got my library card!, and play games. i completed the monster hunter worlds base game story w the help of my brother and friends. i love dat fuckin game. so now im onto the dlc. but i have to do some comms before i can really sink shit tons of time into it... and then i have to go get my temps though thats kinda tricky bc i need to find the right time...im so fucking busy! and so is my mom! once i vget my temps i want to apply for a library job. fingers crossed they accept my application. i wonder if i could get some nepotism privlages bc my mom worked there for so long haha

its kinda funny in a morbid way that ill have a week where ill be like IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF FOR REAL THIS TIME. and then the next day ill be okay...im just glad its not as explosive and harmful as it used to be when i was like 15-16. ive made a lottttt of progress even from like a year ago! i just hate that it still happens bc yk it is just kinda 'be like this forever discorder' isnt it? lol. im just glad this only lasts for a few days to week.

anywayyyyy! depression spiral over! i have a halloween party to go to the next city over w my mom. im gonna be a devil girl and shes being fuckijg KRAMPUS. no wonder i came out the way i am. site renovations will continue! id like to make more oc pages soon-ish.

burnt out again.

this is a bit of a personal blogpost today so im sorry. i just feel like airing my frustrations out into the vast void of cyberspace, maybe if i whine hard enough good things will come to me. eventually. im angry, and im tired, frankly.

i was very excited to do some new things this week now that i have been feeling somewhat better. start a few new projects, animate, play around with game making software. but its just hard i guess. i really wish my abuser would leave us alone, hearing of all the shit he does, that hes been harassing my family behind the scenes, its tiring. is this to personal? maybe. im sure people who dont like me are using this as fodder to make fun of me, i get it. its pretty embarassing to talk about this sort of thing and im sure the average person thinks im a wreck if im crying about this on my 'public' website. i kinda dont care anymore, i dont want to hold all this horrible shit behind artistic metaphors and aesthetic choices forever. everything sucks and i want everyone to hear me out.

it always sickens me to see how so many people react to abuse. they turn a blind eye because they dont understand. "i just disengage! its not my problem. you tell me youre being beat or sexually abused and you expect me to be happy if you get a new dog with your so-called abuser?" or whatever twisted shit say in regards to a friend letting them know about the suffering theyre being put through. getting treated differently or outright dumped by a romantic partner because you are actively being abused. theres no more empathy left in the world anymore, is there? its really bleak. i dont like to be any sort of misanthropist, i know good is out there. i love my friends so very dearly and they treat my issues with grace and patience (however it took a lot of trial and error that has left me with. a good number of complexes) but i dont know, theres a lot of evil and cruel people out there. who treat the suffering like a sick animal that gets tossed around and rehomed if they hurt in a way thats 'inconvinent'. no matter how much 'value' they claim you have to them.

abuse makes people uncomfortable and thus they toss you aside because youre to challenging to deal with. im not saying im entitled to have anyone help me solve my issues, obviously not, thats what i pay my physcologist for. actively ignoring the suffering party when theyre going through some sort of crisis, or even breaking up with them mid mental breakdown, thats certainly something else, isnt it? im sorry im prickly and a bit broken after years and years of non-stop pain and slightly gave up recently. i forgot, silly me! if i want to be respected as a 'victim' even by OTHER VICTIMS i have to sit pretty and express my pain in a beautiful, black swan-esque way to truly get another persons sympathy. my preformance is supposed to be beautiful and tragic and move the audience to tears. or whatever. my suffering must be poetic and divine and not messy and ugly.

i want to scream, cry and thrash around. i want to scream that it all hurts, that im scared and i just want someone to come and hold me. but that would be to much, to improper for a victim to do. but i dont care anymore, i dont care abiut sanding myself down to a tiny little nub to make others comfortable.

its all just unrelenting and exhuasting. maybe i should get a new tattoo or something, it worked last time i was under extreme distress. i love tattoo therapy. i do feel a tinge of guilt being so angry about things espeically since i am so often painted as an 'agressor' or an 'abuser' (read; mentally ill woman) for even slightly raising my voice above a fucking whisper. but like, whatever. i deserve to be mad for being so wholely fucked over by people who claim theyre 'pro-mental health' and 'victim friendly' when they think all people with personality disorders club baby seals to death for fun. use me as your test subject for writing your tragic love story about a woman with bpd and her lovely partner underrstanding and loving her as is and then dump me mere weeks later when i have a mild crack in my psyche because one of my loved ones died overnight. fuck off.

whatever, life goes on, i guess. ill be ok, i know i will. but that doesnt mean i shouldnt bitch and moan the whole way through bc it suuuuucks.

NEW BLOG LAYOUT!

i have revamped my blog completely, the look ive given it is sort of corny, it being johnny themed and all but...yknow. it makes me feel good. AJUAJUAHBSBH

i am still sick, another upper respitory infection! the same exact thing i had a few months ago, just my luck. i missed a pre-halloween party at the goth club the next town over which im kinda bummed about. but theres always next month! (hopefully...)

also attended a horror-themed convention in my city and got some stuff...some posters and a frankenhooker tapestry for my very barren walls. and...get this? the silent hill 1 and twin peaks fire walk with me soundtracks on vinyl!!! eeeee, im so excited!!!

okay god i admitly dont have very much for you guys today because i am very very very tired. its currently 3:45 AM as i write this, i have been working on this all night because i cant sleep due to my stupid fucking cough. i have many thoughts on the current internet climate i think my brain is to sleep-deprived to properly voice at the moment...so i bid you adieu for now. until i can finally get some sleep. good god.

ahedonia sucks.

geez okay, so sorry for the lowkey emotional dump (kinda sorta not really) but its like i feel this is the only place i feel safe enough detailing how i feel. its not anything traumatic or horrible tho hehe i just wonder if people relate.
i realized last night (or well i kinda knew in the back of my head ig) that i kinda just dont care about much of anything at all, like creative wise even if i just love to do it or used to love doing it. i dont think being in a depressive state and in a pretty dumpy relationship for over 2+ years helped much either. i completely lost what i was interested in, what i liked to do, etc. i used to have a major interest in biology, ecology and zoology but i kinda had that taken away from me. i do have a passion for morturary science and all that but through the last few years i learned to just shut up about all that sort of stuff if its not related to 'fandom' because it makes people uncomfortable. which like, fair i guess? those subjects aren't particually interesting to the average person. but it sucks when its being brushed off by people you love. (im not rlly around ppl like that anymore thank goodness)

i want to work on my projects, this site, my characters, fan games and vns but its so hard when i just dont care. i want to care , i sort of feel like im poking at cold food on my plate. its really fucking hard, this depressive spiral has totally impeeded my ability to become fully fuctiional but slowly but surely i am crawling towards being 'normal'. i made a goal to myself to get my drivers license by the end of october (despite how utterly terrified i am of driving, living in a car depdent factory city i dont have a choice lol), i hope to go to college, but i worry because i dropped out in 7th grade. i managed to scrape together enough 'points' or whatever to get my GED but yknow. i missed out on alot of subjects. and i want a job but thats the least of my concerns bc nobody is hiring lol ive given up for now until the job market shapes up.

i still go out to parties, concerts, clubs, etc because isolating myself again for years is the last thing i want. i have alot of fun but its really sucky when you cant feel strongly about alot of things. did you know shrikes emotional blunting is inspired by my own struggles with it? lol.
i just miss caring about stuff, having passion for things i wanna do. i just hope i can get meds that'll make me able to actually Feel Things again.

I'M SO BUSY

ok god i havent updated this in awhile huh. i have been...SO BUSY!! this month espeically.

i've had like a bunch of shit back to back, i went out of town to dayton a few times to attend a bunch of different goth events (very fun! but dayton is...so empty?????? i barely see anyone there unless its like the one main street. okayyyy sims 4.)
and then i went to chicago to see nine inch nails!! it was fucking insane. its crazy that trent reznor still has got it. also i saw that really fucking killer remix of closer with boyz noize people have been posting on tiktok and shit. i hope to god it gets posted with clean audio somewhere cuz its been my fav remix of closer ive heard THUS FAR. i stayed with a family friend and we went to the concert with some more family friends. a bunch of older punks / metalheads haha. i also found out a bunch of places they do raves so i got some stuff to do when i go back up there...chicago is such a nice city but i was getting made fun of for how much i was saying THERES SO MANY BUILDINGS. 'ohio girl from a city thats maybe 1 mile wide goes to real big city' type thing. i cant say i hate it tho, id love to live in chicago or new york!!! my bucket list for next year is to visit my friends in new york so we can go to one of those underground edm raves for sure :]