hi everyone, i figured this would make a better workroom entry rather than a journal entry as i have a few things to show for it. so anyway, whats up? well, recently ive become sort of..idk, burnt out? from my own creative projects? which is probably kinda cringe and dumb but i'm just not in the optimal headspace currently as well as a contributing factor of where i just have really been super demotivated by the response ive gotten from my art + characters i suppose. but you didnt really come here to hear me whine about my characters been objectified for the umpteenth time im sure, so lets carry on.

so, ive been delving more into fanart more lately even if i hate that ive been wanting to draw it so much. i'm a bit fearful to post my more 'weird' fanart online, lest i get bullied like every other 3 previous "fandoms" ive attracted to my doorstep. because no matter what i draw stuff that us 'out of line' or 'cringe' when its just harmless fun. OFF TOPIC AGAIN! SO SORRY! can you tell im a bit frustrated? anyway, more details below the read more. just beware of horrible annoying artist whining.

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as of late ive been really endeared to 'pastel goth' stuff, something 15 year old me would scoff at...but truth is ive always been the type of girl to appreciate something thats 'creepy cute.' ive drafted some pastel goth varients for my favorite characters...which i'll show here. id really love to do more of these 'varients' but i worry people will bully me for straying away from the 'vibe' of the source material. i guess its a sort of irrational fear - the fandom (ugh, i hate saying that word. get me out of here) seems to be very reasonable. maybe its all the ptsd-induced delusion talking? weird to say 'ptsd via internet' insert that tyler the creator tweet here. anyway. here they are. cute, right?

i've been thinking of creating a fancomic, or a fangame for awhile now. i may run a few test demos in renpy once i have finished my current commission queue. also i've been chipping away at like...2 seprate fics? one of which i may turn into a comic. ive not a very eloquent writer and i tend to have shitty grammer so im a bit shy to post to somewhere like tumblr or ao3 (this is what i get for dropping out in middle school!) but heres a snippet or two for your troubles!

from a wip fic - "chimera house"
"The breathing sounds were all around him as he could see the walls shifting, as if something was writhing behind the thin plaster, squirming like a mass of maggots. Johnny felt his heart rate quicken. A horrible feeling of dread burned throughout his chest as he felt bile rise in his throat…Though he managed to swallow it, for now at least. He could deal with rotting corpses, maggots, rotting flesh sloughing off bone, or whatever plethora of fucked-up things the normal person would vomit at the sight of…But this was not…Normal. A normal house did not breathe, and it most certainly did not BLEED. "

from a wip fic (2nd one!) - "johnny vs the internet"
"Well, now that he knew he was assured any image he wanted via a simple search, maybe he could try something else out? Something that could potentially segway into what he was poking around here for in the first place.
"...car accident photos…"
Johnny bit his lip in anticipation as he bared the slow loading times once again…No images upon first load-in this time, unlike his previous search; however, he found his focus on one of the first results.
…Rotten.com…
Johnny once again cocked an eyebrow. It sounded interesting and most importantly, morbid. "

i think my main frustration is that, idk, it kinda just seems lame. my ideas are just...bad? maybe? and i try to receive feedback and i feel everyones just mindlessly telling me 'its good.' well, im glad, but im asking for feedback! how can i make this more fun! is that a snobby thing to say? i hope not, i just want to make it fun to read, i guess. i suppose it doesnt matter. belgh. its very hard to give into that advice of 'make it now and itll be good later' . i hate being bad, i guess thats even more eleveted by the fact my art and writing has been a massive insecurity lately...however i persist. my life would be painfully boring if i did not insist on creating.

as for my own characters...i still do obviously deeply care about my ocs. duh. why else would i have an oc index on this site? it just feels, idk...i'm a tad demoralized. ive kind of had a bad luck streak with the rampent sexualization on my characters that i can handle but it gets to a fucking point. im aware i draw porn of my ocs, yeah? who doesnt? but it sort of stings when people you are very very close to cop out of caring about the shit you write solely because you draw a character of yours they find sexy naked sometimes. fuck. if its not something people i know can jerk off too or whatever its completely fucking uselss. which sucks. so i kinda keep it all hidden away right now, all the videos, moodboards, fics, collages. which i wish it wasnt like that. i want to be able to share my work with people and have them understand, have my work be valued by people i love. i guess. i think its my fault for not making it easily digestable and shrikes backstory is very 'farfetched' to the average person. i'm just, once again, stuck in that creative limbo. i miss writing, i miss creating. its very difficult.

jeez. if you read all that im really sorry. - im sure you are wondering...do i see a therapist? im working on that currently. insurance is a fickle thing...

wow, look at this! a new page dedicated to my constant stream of creativity...as you all know if i go a second without creating i will simply curl up and die. So whats the ideals behind this? idk, just a simple catalog to document my progress on creative stuff. why? for funsies. i havent really figured out a tagging system yet so bare with me.

anyway i'm sure you're asking - what are you working on right now?